SpearCarriers of Mordor: A Shameless LOTR Parody
by LadyBranwyn
Summary: They were rebels without a cause, two orcs without a clue. They were just foot soldiers in the Army of Darkness, trying to outrun the forces of natural selection. Chapter 2 written by Lord Branwyn.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey, Argh and Nargh! Get your carcasses over here." The sergeant stared at them balefully. "Go to the road and keep a lookout for the horseboys. If you see them, hotfoot it back here. You understand?" The non-com unfolded a badly creased map and jabbed at it with his finger. "We are here; there is the road. Go due west. Just remember that that's the place where the sun sets."

"Yes, sergeant."

"It's a straight shot. There is no way that even you two can't manage to find your way back here."

"No, sergeant," Nargh replied while Argh, his brow furrowed in thought, tried to figure out the double negative.

As the two soldiers trudged away, the sergeant shook his head.

* * *

"I don't see this mountain on the map." Argh squinted doubtfully at the barren cliff face towering above them. He pulled an eel out of his wet boots and wrung out the hem of his chainmail shirt. With a sigh, the eel wiggled and flopped back into the stagnant water that lapped at the foot of the cliff. In the center of the pool, a soft splash broke the surface and echoed in a circle of ripples.

"Let me see that," Nargh muttered. "I knew we shouldn't have asked those Uruks for directions." As the orcs hunched over the map, a giant octopus started swimming purposefully toward them. When it was within a hundred feet of the shore, the monster craned its wobbly neck to stare at its prey. With a snort of disgust, it sank into the inky water and slunk away.

On the face of the cliff, the outline of a door was sketched in shimmering, silver lines. "Nice picture," Argh remarked.

"I see tasty, crunchy eels, my precious, but we cannot stop to fish. Not now, no, no, no. We must find the Precious. Nasty mineses of Moria, but we must go in, we must." A strange creature shambled past the two orcs and stood in front of the door. Running a hand through its spaghetti-like hair, it whispered, "_Cantelope_. No, no, that's not it, silly precious. _Honeydew_? No, wrong again…"

"So the category is things that are round. The moon?"

"Very small rocks?"

"Quiet, stupid orcses! We are thinking, thinking!" After mumbling to itself for several long minutes, the creature's huge hard-boiled eyes looked up. "Is it _melon_, my precious?" With a loud snap, the silver lines on the cliff darkened into black cracks, and the door slid open. "Yes, we guesses right!" After gavotting with mad joy, it scuttled into the black opening.

"C'mon!" The two orcs hurried inside, remembering to close the door behind them. The massive blocks of stone slid into place with a decisive thud.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Our intrepid heroes, having survived the disaster at Pelennor fields, returned in triumph to the safety of the orc camp on the Plains of Morgai.

"You two? This disaster is now complete. Ten thousand of our fellows go under the knife and you two slugs come back unscratched. What did you do to survive? Get lost on the way to the battlefield?"

In a quiet voice, the one orc whispered, "How did he know?"

But, the Uruk sergeant was still shouting and did not hear. "Well, I know what to do with you. Right in the middle of the column, where I can keep my eyes on you. We're moving out."

And, with that, the column set off, the large Uruk always hovering nearby. The orcs kept to a steady trot which quickly ate up the miles. Finally, where the road cut through a ridge, they halted.

Someone had spotted a couple of smallish orcs loitering in the road. The Uruk sergeant moved up to gather them up. Argh and Nargh saw him shouting at the small orcs and hustling them into the column.

"No, not at the rear!" their sergeant shouted at the small orcs. "Three files up. And stay there, or you'll know it, when I come down the line!" Then coming over to our heroes, he added, "I'm keeping all my problems together, so I can keep my eyes on you."

Again the column moved out. They kept in the same dog trot as before. The Uruk came behind our heroes and the small orcs to push them all along.

They kept moving until the road they were on merged with another. The column halted in confusion as different bands tried to use the same road. Orcs milled about and our heroes stumbled off to take a well-earned break.

Argh tumbled over the small orcs who had fallen to the ground. He helped them to their feet and dusted them off.

"Your helm's about to fall off," Nargh told one of them. "Let me fix the straps. There, that's better. You don't want to go running around without your helm. That's what the sergeant tells us."

Argh spotted something in the dirt. "Did either of you drop this?" He pointed to a shiny ring on a chain.

One of the small orcs snatched up the chain from the ground. Without another word, they crawled to the edge of the road and over the parapet into the darkness beyond.

Our heroes stared after the small orcs. Argh turned to his companion, "Nargh, should we tell the sergeant"

"Naw Argh, let them go. They were all done in. Besides, what harm could those blighters do?"


End file.
